Here’s a blast from the past: my 1993 script for a half-hour science-fiction-flavored promotional TV show for the Saskatchewan Science Centre, which aired on Cable Regina (now Access Communications). I was communications officer of the Science Centre at the time. Since I voiced the alien, large portions of this consisted essentially of me talking to myself. An actor’s dream come true! (Hmmm….since none of the staff members mentioned in here are still with the Science Centre, maybe I should contact the Science Centre and see if they want to film a remake. Or a sequel: Close Encounters of the Science Centre Kind II: The Exhibits Strike Back!)
CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE SCIENCE CENTRE KIND
All shots are from POV of alien—half-height, maybe a manipulating device of some kind just visible in the lower part of the frame (i.e., Dalek POV in a Doctor Who episode).
1. INTERIOR: SPACECRAFT
We see the control panel of the spaceship of Imperial Scout Arkos 496, an alien. (Oddly, this control panel looks a great deal like the control panel of the Cable Regina master control.) We hear, with appropriate sound effects . . .
ARKOS
This is the Personal Log of Imperial Scout Arkos 496. I’m on my final descent to Earth. The target is in sight. I will land on the large flat surface next to it. Contact in five…four…three…two…one…
We hear an immense splashing noise. The lights flicker and go out, and we hear a glub-glub noise. Over black we hear…
ARKOS
Oops.
2. EXTERIOR: WASCANA LAKE SHORELINE
We hear the ARKOS’s inarticulate disgruntled muttering as we rise, water streaming down in front of us, out of Wascana Lake. Pan from side to side; lock onto Saskatchewan Science Centre.
ARKOS
Target located. Proceeding.
We begin to move forward. Ominous background music.
3. INTERIOR: POWERHOUSE ENTRANCE
We advance through the automatic doors; stop, back up, make them swing open again, then proceed in.
ARKOS
Now why didn’t we think of that?
We advance to the ticket counter, where VISITOR SERVICES CLERK reacts calmly.
VISITOR SERVICES CLERK
Can I help you?
ARKOS
Take me to your leader.
VSC
Sure! Uh—what’s that little robot thing floating over your head?
ARKOS
This is my Questioning, Independent Reaper of Knowledge—QUIRK, for short. During my visit he will be roaming your building and transmitting the images he records directly to me.
VSC
You don’t say? Just a second, kid.
VSC talks on phone as we hear…
ARKOS
Personal log: It appears human eyesight is poor. They have mistaken me for an immature member of a species of herd animal. No matter: I am about to meet their leader.
VSC
Our leader will be with you in a moment.
4. INTERIOR: FEATURE EXHIBIT
STEPHEN shakes manipulator device gingerly.
STEPHEN
How do you do? I’m Stephen Hall, Executive Director of the Saskatchewan Science Centre.
ARKOS
Greetings, Exalted One! I am Arkos 496, a humble scout in the service of the Mighty Emperor Ugwump the Incredible. I come on a mission of great importance.
STEPHEN
Well, then, maybe we should go somewhere where we could talk sitting down . . .
ARKOS
I am not physically equipped for that action. This location is adequate.
STEPHEN
OK, fine. Well, Mr. 496—
ARKOS
Please, call me Arkos.
STEPHEN
Arkos. What can I do for you?
ARKOS
Our world is in serious trouble. Our people have lost all interest in science and technology. They think it is too hard. They think it is too boring. As a result, we no longer have enough scientists or engineers. Our children all want to be professional slime-wrestlers when they grow up. His Imperial Majesty fears our civilization will crumble if we do not get professional help. So we have come to you. We have heard that here in the Saskatchewan Science Centre you have found a way to make people appreciate science. We must know your secret.
STEPHEN gives a three or four-minute monologue on what the Science Centre is, how it came about, the philosophy of Science Centre exhibits and how they’re created, and the future of the Science Centre.
During this, QUIRK begins exploring the exhibit floor . . .
ARKOS
This is very interesting. May I see more of your Powerhouse of Discovery?
STEPHEN
Of course. (Calls.) Ed! Just the man I’m looking for! (To ARKOS.) Edward Willett is our Communications Officer. He’ll give you the grand tour.
(Enter Ed.)
ED
You called—oh! (To ARKOS, holding up famous Vulcan greeting.) Uh—peace! Live long and prosper!
ARKOS
What?
STEPHEN
Ed, I’d like you meet Arkos 469. I’ve told him you’ll give him a complete behind-the-scenes tour of the Science Centre.
ED
Uh…right. OK. Fine. Why don’t we start with exhibit design and production? Stephen, if you’ll come along for this first part, too, since you’re in charge of area…right this way, Mr. 469.
ARKOS
Please. Call me Arkos.
We follow Ed toward the elevator and hear…
ARKOS
Personal log: These humans have no sense of propriety. We’ve only just met, and already I’m just a number to them. At home you have to know someone for weeks before your comfortable calling them by their number.
5. INTERIOR: DESIGN DEPARTMENT
ED
This is the design department, and these are our designers. They determine how an exhibit is going to look.
DAVID YEE
Hey, man, I love your colour scheme! I’ve never seen anybody put orange, purple and green together quite so…boldly.
STEPHEN gives a quick tour of the department and explains what happens there.
6. INTERIOR: PRODUCTION SHOP
We pass through the connecting door between Graphics and Production…
STEPHEN
And through this door is the production department, where we actually build exhibits. We have complete metalworking and woodworking facilities, and an electronics workshop.
Shots of cabinetmakers at work, and a peek into ROB FULLER’s workshop, where ARKOS gets sentimental over the pile of old equipment.
ARKOS
Awww…that’s just the way my pet robot Sparkums looked after the isotope delivery truck ran over him when I was an eggling.
At the end of this STEPHEN makes his exit.
7. INTERIOR: LAUNCH PAD (BY ELEVATOR)
ARKOS
This is all very interesting, but I don’t see how these things you build can be enough by themselves to interest people in science.
ED
Oh, but there’s a lot more than just inanimate exhibits. There are also programs.
ARKOS
Ah! Artificial intelligences!
ED
No, people programs. Come on, I’ll show you.
Strides off toward elevator, leaving ARKOS behind. Pauses and looks back.
Well?
ARKOS
I’m coming, I’m coming.
We move after the impatient ED.
Personal log: These aliens grow to ridiculous heights and have very long legs. I suspect genetic engineering. Warn the Interstellar Olympic Committee not to invite them to the games next millennium.
8. INTERIOR: DISCOVERY LAB
ED
Arkos, this is Kathryn Dotson, our Programming Director. Kathryn, this is Arkos 496.
KATHRYN
Hello, Mr. 496.
ARKOS
Please, call me Arkos.
KATHRYN: Three or four minutes on how programs are designed and implemented and what we try to accomplish with them, who our demonstrators and volunteers are and what they do, where our visiting exhibits come from and what kinds of exhibits they are. Might mention the problem of exhibit maintenance, too.
QUIRK continues to roam the exhibits while she’s talking…
ARKOS
All of this is wonderful, but how do you let people know about these programs? Is it through telepathy?
ED
No, it’s through sales and marketing.
ARKOS
I do not understand.
ED
Well, then, you’d better talk to . . .
9. INTERIOR: THIRD FLOOR, OVERLOOKING MAIN EXHIBIT AREA
ED
…Pat Brandino, our Sales and Marketing Director. Pat, this is Arkos 469.
PAT
Pleased to meet you, Mr. 469.
ARKOS
Please, call me Arkos.
PAT BRANDINO:
Three to four minutes on how we get the message of what we’re about and what we’re trying to accomplish out to the public; how we try to get the most “bang for the buck” through joint promotions, etc., the great interest media outlets have shown being involved with us.
QUIRK is still exploring…
10. INTERIOR: STAIRS BETWEEN THIRD & SECOND FLOORS
ARKOS
Very interesting—though I would still recommend telepathy. It costs far fewer fegwips.
ED
Fegwips?
ARKOS
Rodent-like creatures with ten legs. Our medium of exchange.
ED
I’d hate to be your banker…
ARKOS
Do you not have something similar?
ED
Uh, sort of. Our medium of exchange is called money. Fortunately, we have someone who raises it.
ARKOS
Ah! Like our fegwip-breeders at home.
ED
If only it were that simple…
11. INTERIOR: IN FRONT OF BUBBLE AREA
ED
Diana Choban is our fegwip-breeder—I mean, our development officer. Diana, this is Arkos 469.
DIANA
Pleased to meet you, Mr. 46 —
ED
Please, call him Arkos.
DIANA CHOBAN: Three to four minutes about how we’re funded and how we go about gathering the funds we need to continue providing the service we provide—talk about exhibit sponsorships, special campaigns, etc.
QUIRK explores such things as donor wall, various signs for exhibit sponsorships, the skeleton & periodic table…
ARKOS
It sounds very difficult. I will make a note to have His Imperial Majesty send your Mr. Hall a breeding pair of fegwips, instead.
DIANA
Thank you so much.
ED
There is one other way we make some money.
ARKOS
And what is that?
ED
It’s called the Kramer IMAX Theatre. Walk this way.
ED strides toward the theatre, leaving ARKOS behind again.
ARKOS
Personal log: Walk that way? Not without a lot of mutating . . .
12. INTERIOR: KRAMER IMAX THEATRE
ARKOS
That is a very large blank surface.
ED
It’s called a screen. We show moving pictures on it.
ARKOS
Ah, yes. What you call television. We have intercepted your transmissions. I particularly like Hee Haw…
ED
Uh, no, it’s not exactly television. It’s—well, you’d better talk to Don Copeman, our IMAX theatre manager. This way!
13. INTERIOR: IMAX THEATRE LOBBY
ED
Don, this is Arkos 469—and don’t call him Mr. 469. Arkos, this is Don Copeman. You can call him whatever you like.
ARKOS
Hello, Whatever-You-Like!
DON COPEMAN: Three to four minutes on IMAX, what it is, how films are selected, what kind of films we’ll see, and how it benefits the Science Centre as a whole.
QUIRK roams the IMAX…
14. INTERIOR: IMAX PROJECTION ROOM
ARKOS
This must be a very powerful weapon.
ED
It’s the IMAX projector.
ARKOS
A powerful projectile weapon?
ED
No, all it projects is light.
ARKOS
Ah! A powerful laser weapon.
ED
No! This is what projects the images on that big screen down there…
ARKOS
Oh…how?
ED
Just watch…
Visuals of the projector being loaded, or in operation, or something.
15. INTERIOR: IMAX THEATRE LOBBY NEAR CHECKPOINT CHARLIE
ED
Well, you’ll have a lot to tell your Emperor, won’t you?
ARKOS
If I am able to.
ED
What do you mean?
ARKOS
I have inadvertently landed in the large body of dihydrogen oxide adjacent to this structure. A critical component requires a large charge of static electricity in order for me to be able to retrieve my ship and take off again. At present I have no way of obtaining that charge —
ED
Wanna bet?
ARKOS
I fail to see what function gambling would serve at this juncture—
ED
Just follow me.
We move away toward the Powerhouse…
16. INTERIOR: POWERHOUSE – COCA COLA STAGE
We approach the Van Der Graaff Static Electricity Generator.
ARKOS
Greetings, robot! What is your function?
ED
It’s not a robot. And its function is to generate static electricity.
ARKOS
Indeed?
ED
Sure. Watch!
We watch a kid get his/her hair stood on end. ARKOS is overjoyed.
ARKOS
I am indeed fortunate! Wait while I position myself…
We move closer to the generator, and we see a nice fat electrical spark jumping from the generator to the grounding rod, which can double as ARKOS’s broken device.
ED
(Looking at watch impatiently.) Now can you leave?
ARKOS
Not yet! First I must gather images for transmittal to His Majesty! QUIRK!
Series of quick images from around the Powerhouse and IMAX.
17. EXTERIOR: IN FRONT OF THE POWERHOUSE
ARKOS
I thank you for your help. The Saskatchewan Science Centre may very well have saved our entire civilization.
ED
All in a day’s work. Well, it’s been a pleasure meeting you, Arkos—
ARKOS
Please, call me 496.
ED
Uh—sure. Whatever you say, 496. And, uh—QUIRK, was it? Have a safe trip home, and if you’re ever in the nieghborhood again, be sure to drop by.
ED waves and goes back into the Powerhouse.
ARKOS
Don’t worry—we will.
We move toward the lake…
18. INTERIOR: SPACESHIP
We see the control panel again.
ARKOS
Personal Log of Imperial Scout Arkos 496. Am preparing for takeoff from Earth. Mission accomplished. Launching—now.
The manipulator touches a button or lever. We hear splashing sounds, then rocket noises, and over it…
ARKOS
Feldercarb! I forgot to buy a T-shirt.
Music swells.
FADE OUT
